Telemarketers

I have not seen the results of any, but if a survey were to be done on the top 5 pet peeves across a sample population of the US I am sure that telemarketers calling at the most inopportune (ie dinner or before bed) would be on it. Right up there with bad breath, tardiness, inconsistency and bad car drivers.

Remember Seinfeld when they called Jerry and asked him to switch to a different long distance? He asks them if he could have the telemarketers number and call him at home later? The guy said he doesn't do that. Jerry asks if it would be inconvenient. The guy says yes. Jerry closes with 'now you know how I feel.'

I think most of us can echo that sentiment. BUT you don't have to get upset with them calling. Turn the tables on them. Win the war of influence by playing games with their puny little 9 dollar an hour minds.

IF you don't want to do this, don't just hang up. Hanging up on them translates as "I can't talk right now but I can't wait for you to call back another time. I'm all ears." You need to read the JunkBusters website. It has an incredible wealth of information on how to deal with telemarketers firmly, legally, and make some money off of them for your time they waste. 

If you DO want to do this, check out the following impressions I've done:

VORLON INQUISITOR

In "Comes the Inquisitor" we are introduced to a Vorlon interrogator. He asks the question 'Who are you?' The character responds with their name, their family lineage, etc. You can start with this:

"Who are you?"
They will give their name or something.
"Unacceptable! That is only your title. What others choose to call you when you choose to hide behind formalities."
or
"What a sad thing. Unable to answer without falling upon references, genealogies and what others call you. Have you nothing of your own, nothing to stand on that isn't provided, defined, delineated, stamped, sanitized, numbered and approved by others?"
If they don't hang up on you, the real fun begins:
To every response, say "unacceptable answer!"
"How can you expect me to believe in your product when you don't even know who you are?"
"You have the audacity to presume you are on a mission from (name of company). I don't believe it!"
"Have you nothing of your own?"
"You don't like selling your product to me do you? You'd rather be in your own little world dreaming dreams of glory."
"Why are you here now? Perhaps the world is right and your employer is wrong? Do you consider that? Then there might be hope for you."
"Do you know what your problem is? You are a piece of the machine that thinks it is the whole of the machine. You have malfunctioned. Admit it and you will feel better."
"Your only destiny is to be the nail that gets beaten down by the hammer. BANG BANG BANG"
"I'm afraid this isn't going to work out for you. You were doomed from the moment of your birth."

Soon they will be the one to hang up on you! Or as a teacher I had used to say "how now brown cow?"

MR. MORDEN

Mr. Morden is a mysterious character who shows up on Babylon 5 asking key characters 'What do you want?' And when they reply he asks 'Then what do you want?' and so forth. When they ask him 'what do you want?' he replies 'to know what do you want?'
You see the chain. Like the kid asking a question, you answer and they say 'why?' you answer and they say 'why?' and so forth. They will certainly hang up on you, conceding defeat to a superior foe.

AMBASSADOR KOSH

If you click on the link you can read about this mysterious character and some of the phrases he uses over and over. You can easily annoy and confuse telemarketers with this character's phrases and tactics.


THE ROCK

I like playing the Rock, of WWF fame. You can always have fun with this versatile, creative character. He has so many catch phrases and such that the possibilities are too much to describe.

And there are many other characters from television shows and movies that you can use. Be creative. What's your favorite actor? What character did you like best? Role play that character to the telemarketer. The result of this game will be that you start to regret their not calling more often. Why should you be annoyed by them? Turn the beat around into a verbal beat down! You didn't ask for them to call. They have no regard for your privacy.